Verisimilitude and Vulnerability

I've learned a lot in the past month. We closed Fertile Ground this past Friday. It was the craziest best ride I've ever been on in my life. It drains me just thinking about it. The time spent with the cast and crew was just...amazing. I've finally found what I love to do, where I belong, and people who truly love me and care for me. For the last month, I have spent hours with 10 other beautiful young women, and we have grown so close. We have grown as actresses, and as people. If you had told me in August that I was going to be in a play that changed my life, I would have laughed at you. I wasn't bold in my audition, heck, it took me the first few rehearsals to be over the top. But somehow, Jim got it out of me...out of all of us. Even our Stage Manager and our ASM. And when it was all said and done with...it was over... just like that. In a way, I loved closing the show. It's something that is necessary to move forward. On the other hand, saying goodbye to what had been my security blanket for 6 weeks...that's rough. Undoubtedly, it's bad (and maybe unhealthy) to hide behind something. I was completely vulnerable throughout the whole process (I have never cried that much on stage before...), but it was a safe place to be completely open. I know those people won't judge me. If they haven't yet, they won't.

But now I'm trying to imagine how the transition back to my old friend group is going to be, and I'm dreading it. I'm almost tempted to...not go back. Not full time at least...nothing, against them, they're a great group of girls, and I love them all...but, I don't think they understand the new me. Maybe that's not fair to say, maybe I haven't shown them the new me. If I haven't it's because I feel judged. Yes, that's it; I feel judged. All the time. I can't say what I want to say for fear that someone blushes, and awkwardly changes the subject. But who the hell are they to influence my words, my thoughts, my decisions? No one, except for Jesus can judge me. And as long as I'm living for Him, and him alone, I will be safe, and not looked down upon with judgment, but rather looked down upon with love, mercy, justice. God is a gracious God, and yes, we as humans fall shamefully short of that. But if we claim to be Christians, we need to show it through our thoughts, words, and actions. I confess, I'm not perfectly living up to this high standard, but I will strive for it.

In other news, our show was...Viewed for the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival, and we cleaned up...? It's super hard to explain. But Sarah, and Ashley received Nominations for the Irene Ryan Acting Competition Scholarship, and I was chosen as an alternate. I don't really know what that means, and it's not that deep at all, but it's still kind of cool. Looks good on the resume, you know? Also, Jim recieved a certificate of merit for the direction of "Fertile Ground." I mean, no big deal. I'm just surrounded by talented people everyday.

Anyway, that's what I know. I'm ready for this semester to be over, and that's a really bad thing. I have a lot to do still, and I can't check out now. I'm contracted to do publicity for the next show which is "Comedy of Errors" and I'm well on my way with that. I should be done by Wednesday. We shall see. Also, I'm waiting on the cast list for "The Gospel of Mark Project" which is a touring production of...well, the Gospel of Mark. Jim is directing that, which is super- exciting whether I get cast in it or not.

So, tomorrow I have a mid-term, and a huge project, and then I have to rehearse a scene for acting class, but no big deal. Hopefully the sun is out...
Until next time, Peace, Love, and Stars,
Starleisha G.

Spontaneous Dramas, Fertile Ground, and Unexpended Energy.

I know it sounds like that's a crazy vast range of topics...but it isn't really. It all connects to how i'm feeling at this moment.

I'm working on our school's Centennial play right now. It's a new play, and we actually got to spend a week with the writer at our disposal. She's great, her name is Debbie Harbin, and she's a Messiah Alum. Our director is Jim Knipple and he's pretty freakin' fantastic. He says the most ridiculous things and has us do crazy activities that force us into our "yellow zone, maybe pushing up against the wall of the red zone." (He's talking about comfort zones, of course.) Oh, yeah, the cast is all girls. And we wouldn't have it any other way :-D

FOR EXAMPLE: Tonight at the beginning of rehearsal he asked us if we were feeling sorta brave or really brave. We all agreed that we were feeling really brave. Little did we know... he gave us a rubric for creating a drama. A huge list of things. But he didn't tell us where we would be performing this. So we have it, and then he says, "okay, let's take a walk." And then there was terror... on all of our faces. It was so scary. We leave Climenhaga, and then reality set in. We were going to be performing in public. So I got mad nervous; which, by the way isn't normal for me. I mean, I get nervous, but not to the point where I was saying "I'm gonna barf." We kept walking and it just kept getting worse and worse. So we end up at the newly constructed "Presidential Tree Circle" and I'm not even sure if that's it's real name...that's what I call it.
Anyway, we're all like....freaking out. So we start planning and while we're doing that our Assitant Director, Stage Manager and Assistant Stage Manager went to recruit people to watch. Which we all caught onto very quickly. So, we had a space, and an audience...now we needed a show. That was easy. We already had it figured out. We just had to do it...so we did. And it was CRAZY! One of the specs was to have 15 seconds of loud talking. So that was fun...and it turned in to screaming. Which was.....slightly...........a little more louder than "loud." And it was fun.
After it was all done, we talked about it and we all agreed that, while it was somewhat uncomfortable, we started to follow our impulses and it turned out to be excellent.
So we went back to the theatre and did more ridiculous things. But it was fun, once we got out of our heads. That's such a hang-up, but we're working on it.

So, the show is called "Fertile Ground: Stories from Messiah College's first 100 Years", and it's going to be fantastic. There are three awesome, and amazing story lines, and that's all I'm allowed to say. You just have to come see it.

So after rehearsal, I came back to the apartment, and had some ice cream and finished last night's Gossip Girl episode. (By the way--it's going to be a fantastic season.) I was really excited about what transpired at rehearsal, and wanted to talk about it, but I felt like I couldn't. I don't know why. It just felt like my excitement was squashed the second I walked in the room. So I just sat silently, watched GG, ate the best ice cream in the world (chocolate pretzel), and then once GG was over I started blaring music in my headphones. And I've been sitting this way for 2 hours and 30 minutes...roughly. I guess I can't share an experience like that with people who won't understand it...maybe that's just part of being an artist. But if I keep this terrible feeling inside I'm going to be very upset for a really long time, and I won't know what to do with it. And it's one of those upset things that I can't cry...I hate those. I want/need to cry...but I can't. So I'm listening to Coldplay instead.

Anyway, man, all I've done is whine. Not really. Oh. and...there is something interesting in my life that we shall see where it goes...I always have a tendency to jump the gun, so this time, I'm going to really try not to :-) Which is quite the challenge for me. So I'll keep you posted on that.

Until then, Peace, Love and Stars
--Star G.

Writing.

I'm taking a break from my novel. And everytime I think about taking a break from it I want to go back and write more. But I find that Lana and Peter need a break from my mind...or I need a break from theirs... So I've started a new book. A very interesting book, if I do say so myself. I recently read "he's just not that into you" and I was inspired to write a dating book. I actually started one in 10th grade...you know, before I had my first boyfriend. I started it in my English Notebook which got thrown out accidentally at the beginning of the next year by the teacher who took over that classroom. So, in memorial, the first part of this new book is going to have that title: "Confessions of A Boy-Crazy Christian Girl." basically what it is, is little stories about the guys I had crushes on when I was younger. I know, I know, but it really has a point; it's just not shallow fun little stories. Oh, what's that? The point, you ask? Don't Settle. "Never settle for something less than your best." "Better to have loved and lost than to be married to a psycho all your life." That type of point. And boy, some of the stuff is gonna be...well. If you're interested in the background story/reading as I write, let me know. It's fun to remember all the silly things that made me laugh when I was in high school...my first kiss, first date with a guy who had a car...Ha. I'm on this three year cycle of relationships...it's strange. Hopefully it slows down soon, or just becomes a relationship that doesn't end badly....now I'm rambling. Hm. There will be three parts to the book. I haven't really thought about names for parts 2 and 3 yet. Something about Lessons Learned and Moving On. yeah. that sounds good. You've just witnessed Part-Naming!
Ok, now I'm getting delusional, so time to stop. Check out my pick for New Song Of The Week: Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop
It's by Landon Pigg, and was featured on an ATT commercial. I love it.
Until next time, Peace, Love, and Stars,
--Starleisha G.

I've never considered myself to have low self-esteem. Heck, I'm the first to tell you that I'm cocky. I mean, I'm humble, but cocky...if that makes sense. Also, when people have bad attitudes, they rub off on me very easily, but I always try to stay positive. But you know, there are certain things that people say that can get me down. For example, a few weeks ago one of my good friends was questioning my choice of becoming a theater major/actress because I won't have a good job after I graduate. I'm fully aware that contracts aren't going to be thrown at me, but did she need to make it such a big deal in front of other people? Just because she knows she's going to fall into a career doesn't give her the right to judge my choices. This is what I'm passionate about...it's what I do, and I know it's not going to be easy, and I'm willing to work as hard as I can to make my dreams come true.
And another thing!! Today, I was at work and my boss was in SUCH A FREAKING BAD MOOD! She apologized, which was fine, but it was very frustrating working with her. I was tired and not feeling 100% (hellooooo, dehydration), and she was making thinking such a big chore. Long story short, we were moving furniture...heavy furniture...as in, a TV cabinet with the TV and Stereo still in it....into another room...through a really small door. Not good. as in......TERRIBLE! What 21 year old GIRL should have to move something that heavy? Yes, that might sound sexist, but I prefer the term COMMON SENSE. If something is that heavy, I firmly believe a man should be involved in moving it. Not only is it gentlemanly for him to offer help, but he's a lot stronger than little ol' me. So we're moving this couch, right? (it wasn't as heavy, just awkward.) And I got it through the kitchen door, but had to move another piece that was in the way. So I'm pushing, legit as hard as I could, and my boss looks me straight in the eye and says "You're weak, Starleisha." And all I could do was explain to her that all my strength is in my legs. And I was so down about it for the rest of the day. I came home in a super bad mood, and just couldn't shake this feeling of upset-ness. I told my mom what happened and just started to cry. I guess I was just worn out.
I don't really have a lesson to be had here....so this blog is going to have an abrupt and somewhat awkward ending.
--Starleisha G.

Books!

My books came today. I'm really excited. The problem is, though, I don't know which one to read first. I think I've just decided to read "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey. And then I'll read "he's just not that into you." I'm curious to see how these two books compare or contrast with each other. I'm going to write things down while I'm reading so I can relay it all to you later!
I also got an interesting book of poetry written by a local author. I mean, I'm not good at analyzing poetry, but I like it. The book is solid writing, and very deep...it makes me think...probably too much ;-)

Well. I'm anxious to get started, so until later
Peace, Love, and Stars
--Starleisha G.

Communion, Rain, and Picnics

Today in church, we had communion. It seems like it's always a solemn ritual...which, I suppose it's meant to be that way, but at the same time, shouldn't we rejoice that God is gracious enough to forgive our sins? I'm thinking about this as I'm receiving a piece of bread. I then dipped it in the juice and popped it in my mouth...half of it was still sticking out. It was everything I had to keep from giggling out loud. I thought "It's incredibly hard to take communion gracefully with a piece baguette." And then I thought "new blog topic!" So there's my thoughts on that.

It's been raining a lot here lately. Every time it starts, I think it will never end. But we need it, and I can't wait to have sweet corn! We're getting 15 dozen tomorrow morning. I don't like "doing" corn as we call it. Husking, de-silking, cooking, scraping, bagging, freezing. Just....no fun really. But, the end result is always yummy!! It's supposed to rain this week, but I'll be holed up in the Bakery, so that will be exciting.

I went on a picnic with Joe today. We went up to Cowan's Gap and ate at a picnic table overlooking the poop-infested lake. (Classy, I know.) We then played frisbee until we couldn't stand the bugs anymore. As he put it, he rescued me from the bugs. I let him think he was my hero. ;-) Picnics are just so fun and casual. No one to tell us when to be home by, what to do, no one but each other to visit with. I think it's a great atmosphere for lots of things. So hopefully more picnics will come my way!

Well, It's been a long day so I'm headed to bed. Until next time,
Peace, Love, and Stars
-Starleisha G.

Life as of late

We've had busy days around here. Daddy's busy with clients, and momma and I are updating information in the giant old Dell. I haven't been doing much writing, but I should get back on it. I've been listening to the "Spring Awakening" soundtrack, and working on an anthology of songs for voice lessons this coming semester. I love the way that after all these years of singing, I have finally found songs that fit me perfectly. I finally have admitted to myself that range is more important than being a diva. Haha! So if you're curious, or if you know "Spring Awakening" I'm working on "Whispering" which was originally preformed by Lea Michele and "The Song of Purple Summer" which was first sung by Lauren Pritchard. Both are good solid songs, and Lea and Lauren did excellent jobs. I really enjoy Lea Michele because she is going to be on the FOX show "Glee" this fall. I saw the Pilot episode and LOVED it, so check that out too. My goal for this weekend is to empty my camera card, edit some pictures, and take some pictures. Another thing I've been slacking on. I used to carry my camera EVERYWHERE, and lately it's been sitting in my bookbag. I ordered some books today including "He's Just not That Into You" and Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." I'm pretty excited about these two, given some recent events in my life. ;-) I also ordered "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Other Jazz Age Stories" which is a F. Scott Fitzgerald anthology. My favorite book of all time is "The Great Gatsby" and my mom scoffs at me everytime I talk about it. I just laugh and explain why I like it. I guess it's just because I'm into that time period (the 20s/30s) and the writing is so exquisite. But enough about that. The weekend is almost upon us, and I have a feeling it will be a good one! Momma is going to visit the kids, and Daddy and I are going to stay here. (I guess...?) And then on Sunday, with my parents' blessing, of course, I'll be going on a picnic with a certain new friend. :-D so I'll definitely be updating you all after this weekend. But until then, Peace, Love, and Stars,
-Starleisha G.