Verisimilitude and Vulnerability

I've learned a lot in the past month. We closed Fertile Ground this past Friday. It was the craziest best ride I've ever been on in my life. It drains me just thinking about it. The time spent with the cast and crew was just...amazing. I've finally found what I love to do, where I belong, and people who truly love me and care for me. For the last month, I have spent hours with 10 other beautiful young women, and we have grown so close. We have grown as actresses, and as people. If you had told me in August that I was going to be in a play that changed my life, I would have laughed at you. I wasn't bold in my audition, heck, it took me the first few rehearsals to be over the top. But somehow, Jim got it out of me...out of all of us. Even our Stage Manager and our ASM. And when it was all said and done with...it was over... just like that. In a way, I loved closing the show. It's something that is necessary to move forward. On the other hand, saying goodbye to what had been my security blanket for 6 weeks...that's rough. Undoubtedly, it's bad (and maybe unhealthy) to hide behind something. I was completely vulnerable throughout the whole process (I have never cried that much on stage before...), but it was a safe place to be completely open. I know those people won't judge me. If they haven't yet, they won't.

But now I'm trying to imagine how the transition back to my old friend group is going to be, and I'm dreading it. I'm almost tempted to...not go back. Not full time at least...nothing, against them, they're a great group of girls, and I love them all...but, I don't think they understand the new me. Maybe that's not fair to say, maybe I haven't shown them the new me. If I haven't it's because I feel judged. Yes, that's it; I feel judged. All the time. I can't say what I want to say for fear that someone blushes, and awkwardly changes the subject. But who the hell are they to influence my words, my thoughts, my decisions? No one, except for Jesus can judge me. And as long as I'm living for Him, and him alone, I will be safe, and not looked down upon with judgment, but rather looked down upon with love, mercy, justice. God is a gracious God, and yes, we as humans fall shamefully short of that. But if we claim to be Christians, we need to show it through our thoughts, words, and actions. I confess, I'm not perfectly living up to this high standard, but I will strive for it.

In other news, our show was...Viewed for the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival, and we cleaned up...? It's super hard to explain. But Sarah, and Ashley received Nominations for the Irene Ryan Acting Competition Scholarship, and I was chosen as an alternate. I don't really know what that means, and it's not that deep at all, but it's still kind of cool. Looks good on the resume, you know? Also, Jim recieved a certificate of merit for the direction of "Fertile Ground." I mean, no big deal. I'm just surrounded by talented people everyday.

Anyway, that's what I know. I'm ready for this semester to be over, and that's a really bad thing. I have a lot to do still, and I can't check out now. I'm contracted to do publicity for the next show which is "Comedy of Errors" and I'm well on my way with that. I should be done by Wednesday. We shall see. Also, I'm waiting on the cast list for "The Gospel of Mark Project" which is a touring production of...well, the Gospel of Mark. Jim is directing that, which is super- exciting whether I get cast in it or not.

So, tomorrow I have a mid-term, and a huge project, and then I have to rehearse a scene for acting class, but no big deal. Hopefully the sun is out...
Until next time, Peace, Love, and Stars,
Starleisha G.